Buc-ee's

* * * * * Poophoria!


A friend asked me if I've ever experienced Buc-ee's BS (bathroom situation) before because if I hadn't then I didn't know what living really was!  And boy was he right!!!


I had heard so many great things about Buc-ee's BS so I was glad when we stopped at one on our way out of town.  As soon as I walked in I couldn't believe what I found!


First of all, you walk in down this double wide hallway towards the women's room which then separates into two sides.  Both sides are lined with about 10 to 12 stalls with walls to the floor!  It's soooo spacious!  I'd say the women's room alone was as big or bigger than my 1600 sq foot house.  For reals!  


So each stall tells you if it's VACANT or OCCUPIED, I love that.  The stalls themselves are very spacious and super clean.  There were purse hooks and a hand sanitizer dispenser on the wall in the stall.  Each stall is equipped with 8 rolls of toilet paper, yes 8!  Country music was playing over the speakers and the entire bathroom smelled very clean and fresh.  There were changing tables and almost as many sinks as there were stalls.  Buc-ee's didn't miss a beat!  They sure did raise the bar for gas station bathrooms.


Gas station bathrooms terrify me!  I've been to a few gas stations recently who still have bathrooms on the outside where you need a fucking key to get in.  Those are the most horrific BSs I've ever experienced.  You walk in and immediately feel the filth crawling on your skin.  The floors are sticky with old urine.  You don't even want to turn on the light really because you just DON'T WANT TO TOUCH ANYTHING!

Besides first being aware that you're in a pool of germs, your eye quickly finds the overflowing trash can.  Actually your nose probably finds it first!  They're always overflowing onto the floor where several other piles have started to form.  It would be one thing if it were just used hand towels people decided to throw on the floor, but NO, people have the balls to wipe their ass after they shit and throw THAT onto the pile!  Or worse, their bloody tampon!!!  WHAAAAT?!?  Then your eye catches a glimpse of the toilet bowl and you understand why.  The toilets are usually clogged with paper and filled with PISS and SHIT, tons of SHIT!  DIS. GUST. ING, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit thinking about it.  Then you notice the toilet seat is completely covered with urine, I guess from women having to squat over the toilet.  Let me tell you something boys, as much as women complain about boys not having good aim, when we are forced to pee standing or squatting we don't even come close, NOT EVEN CLOSE.  But our equipment wasn't made for that I guess.

And if you gotta go, you gotta go so you hold your breath, unzip, squat and squirt it out, or squeeze it out.  You don't even look down to see if it goes in, you just pray your shit doesn't cause any backsplash from that diseased water!!!  And hopefully there's some toilet paper left for you to wipe your ass.  If not, you fucking use the empty cardboard roll!  Desperate times call for desperate measures folks.  At this point it doesn't really matter if you wash your hands because most likely there's no soap and no hand towels left and besides you'll have to open the door to get out and god knows that knob is covered in feces and perhaps even some blood, remember that used tampon I mentioned earlier!  So you return the key, don't mention the mess in the bathroom that you just contributed to, buy some hand sanitizer, and decide to burn your shoes or throw them in the trash on your way back to the car.  After the whole thing is over you just feel so FOUL!  Sometimes I think it might have been better if I just shat in my pants, I probably would feel less nasty if I did that because at least it would be MY OWN SHIT I'm covered in and not other people's.

My husband always tells me that when you smell something you are actually tasting a little bit of those particles.  Just think about that the next time you walk into one of those gas station BSs . . . YOU JUST TASTED OTHER PEOPLE'S SHIT!  That just happened.  Guuuuuurl!

Thanks God for Buc-ee's!  I only wish there was one down the street from me.  I think I'd prefer to drive and use their facilities over my own.  And now I wish I could take back all the 5 star ratings I've given because every other BS compared to Buc-ee's is absolutely PIT. I. FUL!

Olive Garden

* * Panic! I'm Prairie Doggin' It


I've got some family and friends that live in the Willowbrook area so when anyone wants to meet for lunch I always suggest Olive Garden.  I fucking love their salad and breadsticks!  But I quickly regret it.  Olive Garden has one of THE WORST BSs!  


At the Willowbrook location the bathrooms are right in the front, where everyone waits.  I think this is an odd place for a bathroom.  Olive Garden seems to always be crowded when I go and I
AB. SO. LUTE. LY  despise walking past all those people to go to the bathroom!!!  STOP WATCHING ME!

After I make it through the crowd and into the ladies room, immediately to the right there are 4 stalls, and to the left are the sinks.  There's this narrow passageway between the stalls and the sinks, it's just not a good design.  So where are people supposed to line up and wait?  Because everybody knows 4 FUCKING STALLS isn't enough to serve the BILLIONS of people there for the lunch and dinner rush!  Good thing salad doesn't give me the shits because everytime I go I have to wait for a toilet.  Stupid.  Where's the common sense people?  Anyway, there's no where to stand but in the lobby outside the door really.

Besides the small space, the bathroom isn't usually well maintained, it's messy.  They do have a changing table and purse hooks, but the WORST part of this BS is that it is dead silent!  Actually I think it goes beyond that, everything echos!!!  So your pee sounds like a raging water fall and when your shit hits the water it's like a fat person doing a cannonball!  Seriously, maybe it's the tight space or something, but everything really does seem to echo and that's the exact opposite of what I want!  I would like it if my "deposits" just blended in with the music, went along to the beat.  Is that too much to ask for?  Apparently.

Revival Market

* * * Anxious Anus


Revival Market in the Heights is a really unique market.  It is a neighborhood grocery store, butcher and charcuterie, with a cafe and coffee bar, dedicated to sourcing it's food locally. They offer fresh food from local farmers, ranchers, and cheese makers, but they specialize in all- natural meats from Revival Farms.  They consider themselves a "responsible 21st century market."  Revival is a great place to shop or just meet a friend for coffee or a light lunch.  Definitely check it out if you're ever in the area!

As much as I love the market, I wasn't thrilled about their BS.  When you walk in, to the left is the produce and right beyond that thru a door and down a hallway you'll find the women's and men's one stallers.  Not my favorite bathroom situation as you all know!

I do have to say that the women's room was super clean and very spacious.  It had purse hooks but no changing table.  My sister has a portable changing pad she carries and that would work for her at Revival because the floor was so clean you could eat off of it and there was PLENTY of space!  I also noticed the AC was running very loud, that's always a good thing!  They did so many things right damn it, if only they had 7 stalls with walls to the floor then I could give it a better review.  But as long as a place only offers one toilet, it will always make me anxious, and we all know that anxiety gives you the mother fucking S H I T S!

Tin Roof BBQ

* * Panic! I'm Prairie Doggin' It.


This is a sad review for me because I absolutely L O V E  Tin Roof BBQ in Humble!!!  When I was a meat eater I couldn't get enough of their brisket and baked beans.  Now that I'm a vegetarian, I can't get enough of those spuds with extra BBQ sauce!  Guuuuuurl, and don't forget those extra pickles and jalapenos.  That shit is goooooood!  In fact, I love this place so much I actually had my engagement party on their large front deck.  I'm telling you, it's the place to go for some good BBQ.

Anyway, it seems like everytime I go the place has expanded.  They have a medium sized cafe area inside and a front deck outside that gets bigger and bigger.  Now they even have a stage and a dance floor and two huge play ground sets for all the kiddos.  A N D they have a banquet hall for large parties!

So you would think a place that seats ONE BILLION PEOPLE would have a decent BS (bathroom situation), but NO!

Now, you're not gonna believe me when I tell you this, but this place actually has just  ONE SINGLE WOMEN'S STALL and ONE MEN'S STALL!!!!!!!  I'll give you a minute to calm down before I continue . . .





I'm not shitting you, ONE FUCKING STALL!  Who does that?


Here's the deal.  The bathroom is easy to find, it's cute, it's spacious, it's decorated all country like, it smells good, it's warm, it's inviting, BUT IT'S STILL JUST ONE STALL for half a billion people to share.  Seriously, everytime I go to this place it's a full house.  And to really top it off, the bathroom is right in between the kitchen and the cafe so from the pot you can hear the employees talking and you can even hear some customer's conversations.  Now I'm thinking of course, that if I can hear them, THEY FOR SURE AS HELL CAN HEAR ME!  Guuuuuurl, we're talking meats, beans, casseroles, and all sorts of comfort foods that fill you with delight and a whole shit ton of GAS!  Nope, this BS isn't working for me.  So really the only solution to this crisis situation is to simply call in your order and pick it up.  Take that shit (food) home with you and shit (poop) comfortably in your own home, in your own bowl.  That's what I'm talking about.