Grainger

* * * * Doin' the Potty Dance

I apologize that it's been so long since I've last posted.  I know how important this blog is to all of my readers, ha!  I've been under the weather lately and haven't really been out and about pooping around the city.  We did have a problem with our AC recently and needed to pick up a part for it so I got to review the BS at Grainger, an electrical supply store.

I believe this is a store that sells mainly wholesale so there's a small area of the building that sells parts and the rest of the building is offices and warehouse space I guess.  The one I visited is located off of 45 and 1960.  Anyway, their BS is pretty impressive. 

It's huge!

It's spotless!

It smells good!

There's 3 stalls, 2 sinks, and a handy little tampon dispenser!  Something I've never seen before, right next to the door on your way out, there's a hand towel dispenser and a small waste basket so after you wash your hands you don't have to dirty them up by grabbing the germ infested door handle.  AND, you don't have to take a paper towel to the door and then find a place to throw it away later.  It's all provided for you right there, so thoughtful!  

And really the only negatives to this BS is that it is absolutely silent!  I really hate that shit!  Maybe other people don't mind as much sharing those bodily noises with their co-workers.  I mean guys seem to really enjoy the sound of their own farts.  My husband is constantly laughing at the crazy sounds that come out of his ass.  So maybe in the men's bathroom they just let it all out without any shame.  Perhaps whoever has the loudest farts or makes the biggest splash is applauded or praised, maybe he's the man OR the king of the day...maybe?!  

Maybe... but it's not that way for women.  Some men completely deny the fact that women even pass gas or take huge anaconda dumps!  I'VE EVEN HEARD SOME WOMEN DENY IT!  BITCH PLEASE, WHO ARE YOU KIDDING!!!   You're probably farting under the radar right now as we speak!  AND everyone shits.  But that's just not acceptable behavior for a lady in society.  So I don't get it.  Why the SILENT BS!?!  I mean, why even have doors on the stalls then?  Everyone can already hear and smell my business!!!  Give us a break and turn on some tunes or blast that AC for fuck sake so I can at least walk out of this BS with my head held high and still able to face my co-workers.  I mean, I'm a pretty damn fast pooper.  No one would even SUSPECT that I just took a huge dump.  For reals, I'm not kidding, I poop faster than a man pees sometimes.  And that's without him wiping and washing his hands because let's face it, men don't do that!  

True story.  When I clean the bathrooms at my work the women's room is always so tidy and it smells so clean but it will be out of TP and hand towels.  I'll go over to the men's and there's piss all over the floor, it smells like shhhhhhhiiiiiiiit, but yet the two rolls of toilet paper will have been untouched and only a few hand towels will have been used.  And you can count exactly how many hand towels too because they'll be on the floor wadded up!  One....two.....three!  3 men have washed their hands today!  Or maybe just one OCD man.  Alright, I'm done.  This is about the bathroom and not about men's bathroom behavior.

The last tiny negative about Grainger's BS is that the women's room was so spacious you could have fit a couch and some end tables and a nice rug and some lamps, but yet there was no changing table!!!  Hmmmm...

Overall I would poop at Grainger again.  I'd just have to make sure I was the only woman in there! 

Half Price Books

* * * Anxious Anus

I visited the Half Price Books in Humble on a Sunday morning.  First of all, if you're feeling especially gassy, I do not recommend you do your book shopping early in the morning.  There were a few employees working and maybe another customer or so, but the place was dead silent!  Where's the fucking music people?  Maybe they forgot to turn it on that morning.

This review is only for the Half Price Books in Humble because I'm sure the BS varies at different locations.

The Humble BS had two stalls, one handicap.  When you walk in there is a little seating area with a bench and then it looks like one stall was taken out so they could put in a hand sink.  So the space where you wash your hands is long and narrow and only one person can fit at a time.

One of the first things you'll notice about this BS is that it is old and nasty.  It doesn't seem well-maintained and almost feels like a gas station BS, eeek!  The floors are filthy, the toilets are old and stained, and there are random splatters on the walls, yuck, what the fuck is that?!  The good things I can say about this BS is they have a changing station and purse hooks and the AC is on full blast so it's sure to cover up any unpleasant sounds!

I'd also like to add that a few doors down from the Half Price Books in Humble is a Plato's Closet.  I've only shopped there O N E time because the one time I went I all of a sudden had a shit attack!  I noticed there was a door with a unisex bathroom sign and I saw an employee come out just in time.  When I tried to open the door it was locked!!!  I started to panic but managed to find the employee and asked for the key to the bathroom only to have her tell me that there was NO PUBLIC RESTROOM!  Bitch shut the fuck up, I just saw you come out that bathroom now give me the god damn key before I shit all over you!!!  Seriously.  But no, she insisted that bathroom was just for employees.  BULLSHIT, I bet she just took a huge dump and she's embarrassed to let me use it after her while the scent of her shit still lingers.

My point is that in that moment I realized Half Price Books was a few doors down and I knew THEY had a bathroom so I ran my little ass over there and made it just in time.  The moral of the story is that a bad BS is better than NO BS!!!

Buc-ee's

* * * * * Poophoria!


A friend asked me if I've ever experienced Buc-ee's BS (bathroom situation) before because if I hadn't then I didn't know what living really was!  And boy was he right!!!


I had heard so many great things about Buc-ee's BS so I was glad when we stopped at one on our way out of town.  As soon as I walked in I couldn't believe what I found!


First of all, you walk in down this double wide hallway towards the women's room which then separates into two sides.  Both sides are lined with about 10 to 12 stalls with walls to the floor!  It's soooo spacious!  I'd say the women's room alone was as big or bigger than my 1600 sq foot house.  For reals!  


So each stall tells you if it's VACANT or OCCUPIED, I love that.  The stalls themselves are very spacious and super clean.  There were purse hooks and a hand sanitizer dispenser on the wall in the stall.  Each stall is equipped with 8 rolls of toilet paper, yes 8!  Country music was playing over the speakers and the entire bathroom smelled very clean and fresh.  There were changing tables and almost as many sinks as there were stalls.  Buc-ee's didn't miss a beat!  They sure did raise the bar for gas station bathrooms.


Gas station bathrooms terrify me!  I've been to a few gas stations recently who still have bathrooms on the outside where you need a fucking key to get in.  Those are the most horrific BSs I've ever experienced.  You walk in and immediately feel the filth crawling on your skin.  The floors are sticky with old urine.  You don't even want to turn on the light really because you just DON'T WANT TO TOUCH ANYTHING!

Besides first being aware that you're in a pool of germs, your eye quickly finds the overflowing trash can.  Actually your nose probably finds it first!  They're always overflowing onto the floor where several other piles have started to form.  It would be one thing if it were just used hand towels people decided to throw on the floor, but NO, people have the balls to wipe their ass after they shit and throw THAT onto the pile!  Or worse, their bloody tampon!!!  WHAAAAT?!?  Then your eye catches a glimpse of the toilet bowl and you understand why.  The toilets are usually clogged with paper and filled with PISS and SHIT, tons of SHIT!  DIS. GUST. ING, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit thinking about it.  Then you notice the toilet seat is completely covered with urine, I guess from women having to squat over the toilet.  Let me tell you something boys, as much as women complain about boys not having good aim, when we are forced to pee standing or squatting we don't even come close, NOT EVEN CLOSE.  But our equipment wasn't made for that I guess.

And if you gotta go, you gotta go so you hold your breath, unzip, squat and squirt it out, or squeeze it out.  You don't even look down to see if it goes in, you just pray your shit doesn't cause any backsplash from that diseased water!!!  And hopefully there's some toilet paper left for you to wipe your ass.  If not, you fucking use the empty cardboard roll!  Desperate times call for desperate measures folks.  At this point it doesn't really matter if you wash your hands because most likely there's no soap and no hand towels left and besides you'll have to open the door to get out and god knows that knob is covered in feces and perhaps even some blood, remember that used tampon I mentioned earlier!  So you return the key, don't mention the mess in the bathroom that you just contributed to, buy some hand sanitizer, and decide to burn your shoes or throw them in the trash on your way back to the car.  After the whole thing is over you just feel so FOUL!  Sometimes I think it might have been better if I just shat in my pants, I probably would feel less nasty if I did that because at least it would be MY OWN SHIT I'm covered in and not other people's.

My husband always tells me that when you smell something you are actually tasting a little bit of those particles.  Just think about that the next time you walk into one of those gas station BSs . . . YOU JUST TASTED OTHER PEOPLE'S SHIT!  That just happened.  Guuuuuurl!

Thanks God for Buc-ee's!  I only wish there was one down the street from me.  I think I'd prefer to drive and use their facilities over my own.  And now I wish I could take back all the 5 star ratings I've given because every other BS compared to Buc-ee's is absolutely PIT. I. FUL!

Olive Garden

* * Panic! I'm Prairie Doggin' It


I've got some family and friends that live in the Willowbrook area so when anyone wants to meet for lunch I always suggest Olive Garden.  I fucking love their salad and breadsticks!  But I quickly regret it.  Olive Garden has one of THE WORST BSs!  


At the Willowbrook location the bathrooms are right in the front, where everyone waits.  I think this is an odd place for a bathroom.  Olive Garden seems to always be crowded when I go and I
AB. SO. LUTE. LY  despise walking past all those people to go to the bathroom!!!  STOP WATCHING ME!

After I make it through the crowd and into the ladies room, immediately to the right there are 4 stalls, and to the left are the sinks.  There's this narrow passageway between the stalls and the sinks, it's just not a good design.  So where are people supposed to line up and wait?  Because everybody knows 4 FUCKING STALLS isn't enough to serve the BILLIONS of people there for the lunch and dinner rush!  Good thing salad doesn't give me the shits because everytime I go I have to wait for a toilet.  Stupid.  Where's the common sense people?  Anyway, there's no where to stand but in the lobby outside the door really.

Besides the small space, the bathroom isn't usually well maintained, it's messy.  They do have a changing table and purse hooks, but the WORST part of this BS is that it is dead silent!  Actually I think it goes beyond that, everything echos!!!  So your pee sounds like a raging water fall and when your shit hits the water it's like a fat person doing a cannonball!  Seriously, maybe it's the tight space or something, but everything really does seem to echo and that's the exact opposite of what I want!  I would like it if my "deposits" just blended in with the music, went along to the beat.  Is that too much to ask for?  Apparently.

Revival Market

* * * Anxious Anus


Revival Market in the Heights is a really unique market.  It is a neighborhood grocery store, butcher and charcuterie, with a cafe and coffee bar, dedicated to sourcing it's food locally. They offer fresh food from local farmers, ranchers, and cheese makers, but they specialize in all- natural meats from Revival Farms.  They consider themselves a "responsible 21st century market."  Revival is a great place to shop or just meet a friend for coffee or a light lunch.  Definitely check it out if you're ever in the area!

As much as I love the market, I wasn't thrilled about their BS.  When you walk in, to the left is the produce and right beyond that thru a door and down a hallway you'll find the women's and men's one stallers.  Not my favorite bathroom situation as you all know!

I do have to say that the women's room was super clean and very spacious.  It had purse hooks but no changing table.  My sister has a portable changing pad she carries and that would work for her at Revival because the floor was so clean you could eat off of it and there was PLENTY of space!  I also noticed the AC was running very loud, that's always a good thing!  They did so many things right damn it, if only they had 7 stalls with walls to the floor then I could give it a better review.  But as long as a place only offers one toilet, it will always make me anxious, and we all know that anxiety gives you the mother fucking S H I T S!

Tin Roof BBQ

* * Panic! I'm Prairie Doggin' It.


This is a sad review for me because I absolutely L O V E  Tin Roof BBQ in Humble!!!  When I was a meat eater I couldn't get enough of their brisket and baked beans.  Now that I'm a vegetarian, I can't get enough of those spuds with extra BBQ sauce!  Guuuuuurl, and don't forget those extra pickles and jalapenos.  That shit is goooooood!  In fact, I love this place so much I actually had my engagement party on their large front deck.  I'm telling you, it's the place to go for some good BBQ.

Anyway, it seems like everytime I go the place has expanded.  They have a medium sized cafe area inside and a front deck outside that gets bigger and bigger.  Now they even have a stage and a dance floor and two huge play ground sets for all the kiddos.  A N D they have a banquet hall for large parties!

So you would think a place that seats ONE BILLION PEOPLE would have a decent BS (bathroom situation), but NO!

Now, you're not gonna believe me when I tell you this, but this place actually has just  ONE SINGLE WOMEN'S STALL and ONE MEN'S STALL!!!!!!!  I'll give you a minute to calm down before I continue . . .





I'm not shitting you, ONE FUCKING STALL!  Who does that?


Here's the deal.  The bathroom is easy to find, it's cute, it's spacious, it's decorated all country like, it smells good, it's warm, it's inviting, BUT IT'S STILL JUST ONE STALL for half a billion people to share.  Seriously, everytime I go to this place it's a full house.  And to really top it off, the bathroom is right in between the kitchen and the cafe so from the pot you can hear the employees talking and you can even hear some customer's conversations.  Now I'm thinking of course, that if I can hear them, THEY FOR SURE AS HELL CAN HEAR ME!  Guuuuuurl, we're talking meats, beans, casseroles, and all sorts of comfort foods that fill you with delight and a whole shit ton of GAS!  Nope, this BS isn't working for me.  So really the only solution to this crisis situation is to simply call in your order and pick it up.  Take that shit (food) home with you and shit (poop) comfortably in your own home, in your own bowl.  That's what I'm talking about.

La Madeline

* * * * Doin' the Potty Dance


Another good BS to report!  I have to admit that I hadn't been to La Madeline in years, so when I visited the other day I had no idea what to expect.

The bathrooms were easy to find, at the Kingwood location they were found in the very back.

There was a men's and women's room.  The women's room was spacious and very clean.  There were 2 stalls and one was a large handicapped stall with a cute little changing table.  Of course there were purse hooks.  But the best part was that each stall had walls that went all the way down to the floor, which makes everything a little more private.

I don't know what it is with women and the bathroom, honestly.  Not sure why when one woman in the group has to go then all the rest of the women in the group decide they have to go!  Men don't do that.  I HATE that shit!  L E A V E   M E  A L O N E   B I T C H E S ! ! !  Can't a girl poop in peace?  I mean, I'm always up for some juicy gossip, EXCEPT for when I need to focus on my shit.  So here's where the full walls come in handy, just in case your girlfriends or sisters decide to follow you to the bathroom and want to continue on the conversation.  "What, I can't hear you, what?  These walls are too thick, I can't hear a word you're saying."  Problem solved.  Now back to my shit.

One way to eliminate this scenario is to just not tell anyone you're going to the bathroom, just sneak away from the table, don't give those bitches a chance to join in.   OR, if it's you and a girlfriend meeting for lunch you get up,  LEAVE YOUR PURSE and tell her you'll be right back.  If you leave your purse at the table then she will have no choice but to stay and watch it.  Genius.  Also, NEVER EVER go to the bathroom on your way out of the restaurant.  At that point the other women will just follow you in there even if they don't have to go.

Oh yeah, the last part of the review, the noise.  La Madeline actually has a recording of a woman over the bathroom speaker teaching you words in French.  It's really cute actually and although it's not too loud, it's still some noise that can help cover up those toots and splashes!

Thanks La Madeline