Zoes Kitchen

* * * Anxious Anus


Some friends and I met up at Zoes Kitchen off of Shepherd last month and I was really impressed by the food.  It serves mediterranean cuisine like kabobs, hummus, greek salads, pasta salads and tabouli.  There are plenty of veg options and everything on the menu is so light, fresh, and flavorful that you walk away feeling full and satisfied but also healthy!

Their BS however was not so impressive.

It was visible almost from the moment you walk in the door.  You know I like that!  I hate it when it's a guessing game to find the bathrooms.  "Hmmm... It could be in that corner, or behind that wall, or down those steps????" Because when I have to go, I have to GO!  I can't risk taking the wrong turn or going to the opposite side of the restaurant or even asking someone where the bathrooms are!  Just make it easy people and put up a sign.  But please don't get confused when I say make it easy and do something stupid like put it by the front door!!!  I seriously DO NOT go to restaurants that I know have their bathrooms located by the front door.  I don't know, it just doesn't feel private AT ALL when you have to walk by the hostess and people waiting in the lobby.  It's no good I'm telling you.  

But Zoes BS was located in the back of the store on the right, past the soda fountain.  There was a sign that led to a small hallway that was half glass so you could see people walk through the door and into the hallway and from there to the women's or men's room.

The women's and men's rooms were one stallers!  They were nice and spacious, very clean, had a purse hook, and the AC was blowing so loud that no one would hear a splash or kerplunk or any of those special bathroom noises you like to keep private.  Plus if any noise made it past the women's room, no one would hear it outside of that little hallway.  No worries there!

The only other complaint besides the fact that this was a one staller BS is that there was no changing table and the women's room smelled like VAGINA!!!  Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.  Men, maybe you do too.  I don't know, I'm not sure how a bathroom gets to smell like that, especially a seemingly clean one.  But there was no denying it, this BS reeked of VAAAAG.  Do I need to say anymore?

Torchy's Tacos

* Full on Shitting My Pants

Ahhh, Torchy's Tacos, where have you been all my life?!?

If you haven't experienced Torchy's Tacos (located off of Shepherd close to Westheimer), you're really missing out!  They have some delicious tacos with interesting ingredients like fried avocado, barbacoa, queso fresco, and escabecha carrots paired with some pretty spunky sauces.  The best part is that there are 3 or 4 Vegetarian options which includes something they call Street Corn.  I won't even bother to describe how A.MAZ.ING it is, you'll have to check it out for yourself.  But I suggest you get that shit to go because their BS (bathroom situation) is one of the worst I've ever seen!

I tend to think that if you're an establishment that sells or serves a diuretic or beans of any kind then you need to have more than ONE FUCKING BATHROOM STALL!  

At first glance Torchy's BS looks ok.  It's easy to find, right behind the soda machine down a small hallway, and it looks pretty spacious. It had two stalls, one handicap, and a nice granite countertop.  Once I got into the smaller stall however, I felt very cramped, and I'm a pretty petite person, I mean I wear a size 5 shoe and my hands look like a child's hands and at 5 months pregnant I'm a solid 100 lbs.  I'm just saying, I don't take up that much space, but I seemed to take up ALL the space in this one stall at Torchy's.  

And you can sort of see that the stall wasn't the cleanest.  You know how I hate open waste baskets!  Who thinks that's a good idea?  Especially in a women's room?!?  Women are like cats, we like to leave no sign or trace of our waste or filth, we have this need to COVER OUR SHIT UP!  Men, men don't care, they have no shame.  And to add to the uncomfortableness of the TI.NY stall and the dirty floors, there was no purse hook!  Oh, ok, I guess I'll hold my purse in my lap as I take a dump.  MAKES. NO. SENSE!  And as I sat there holding my purse, taking a dump, I realized how I was shitting in complete SILENCE!  No good Torchy's, no good at all.  Once I was done I thought I would check out the other handicap stall but . . .

Then I noticed this sign on the floor...  NO, that must be a mistake.  So I pulled on the handle, NOPE, locked, shut down, OUT OF ORDER!!!  And this is how they let people know?  With a sign on the floor sticking halfway out of the stall?  Guuuuuuuuuurl!

So it looks like this BS is a one staller (AND it's a small stall) where other people can come into the bathroom and just stand there and listen while they wait for you to finish your business.  AND it's an establishment that sells beans, lots and lots of beans!  Worst. Bathroom. Situation. IMAGINABLE!

I ran out of there and told my husband to,"get those tacos to go baby, no way in hell I'm eating here!" And just when I thought Torchy's Tacos BS couldn't get any worse, I noticed when I went to fill up my soda cup that someone was now cleaning the bathroom and had SHUT DOWN the entire bathroom and hall!  I couldn't believe it.  In fact, I think a little nervous diarrhea slipped out of my ass when I saw the entire BS was temporarily shut down.  I couldn't get out of there quick enough!

TJ Maxx

* * * Anxious Anus

I frequent a relatively new TJ Maxx in Atascocita and I love it!  And like I've said before, Shopping gives me the Shits so I always find myself in the bathroom and it's about time I did a PR (poo review).

The bathrooms are easy to find.  At this store they are located in the very back right corner, right past the baby section.  There's a large sign above the door so they're hard to miss.

The door actually leads to some offices and a men's and women's room.  The women's room is the first door on the right, good, it's easy to find and easy to get to and I don't have to walk down the hall like the men do.  Because we all know that when you gotta GO, you gotta GO!  I don't need any extra steps that could potentially lead to an accident in the pants!

At first glance the BS (bathroom situation) looks nice and inviting, but once you get in the stalls and you look a little closer it gets real nasty real quick.  This BS had 3 stalls and 2 sinks and it was nice and spacious.  But I don't know how much that matters because the toilets were DIS. GUST. ING!  Poo poo splatters all over the place!  And again with the open trash bin right at nose level, what's up with that???  COVER THAT SHIT!  Or put the waste bin on the floor in a corner, not where I have to turn away and hold my breath when I sit on the toilet.  I like to be comfortable when I take a shit, don't you???

I mean I don't really need to see other women's USED tampons!  I really don't.  And ladies, if you accidently smear blood on the trash bin, or light switch, or when you go to flush, the least you should do is clean it up and then you should probably get an employee to come in with the disinfectant and give the area a good hard scrub.  Because that's just NASTY and DANGEROUS!  Am I right, Am I right?  I'm right.

Besides the poop and blood the BS was just not well maintained.  There was paper all over the floor, the purse hooks were broken off, the hand towel dispenser wasn't refilled and instead there was just a giant roll of paper you had to grab from and half the roll was soaked from people's dripping hands.

With all the space in this BS and with it being right next to the BABY SECTION, you would think a changing table would be available to all mommy shoppers, but no, no changing table.

And to top it all off,  the number one reason any bathroom can get a bad review in my book ... THE PLACE WAS DEAD SILENT!  No music playing, no AC, just me and my butt burps for all the world to hear.  Great.  Thanks TJ Maxx.

Italiano's

* * * * Doin' the Potty Dance

It's not often that I stumble upon a glorious BS but hate the restaurant or store it belongs to.  It's usually the other way around, I'll love the establishment but despise the BS, which means I'll only order carry out or send in my husband to do my shopping.

But Italiano's is different.

A group of co-workers and myself made reservations to eat one Saturday night and they put us in the banquet hall.  The only problem was that there was another  L A R G E R  group also using the space and the only thing that divided our two groups were a few room dividers.  Now we were there to celebrate.  And the other group was there to pray and to hear some speaker.  UMMM, HELLO, SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE ITALIANO'S???  Not only did our group have to quiet down when the other group did, BUT we ended up getting stuck with the SHITTIEST SERVICE OF ALL FUCKING TIME!

Now I usually go to bed around 9, but it was a special occasion,  what the hell I could stay up a little later.  Well we met for dinner at 7 and we didn't get our fucking food until after 9!  It took almost an hour and a half and 5 people begging before they brought us the god damn bread.  Water refills?  Forget about it!  Finally one of my co-workers discovered where the giant water pitcher was hiding and so we just helped ourselves.  Another co-worker ordered a glass of wine and NEVER GOT IT.  She even reminded the waiter a couple times.  Another co-worker got a plate with a dried up tomato crusted on it!  And he even had to bring it to the waiter's attention.  How do you not notice a big fucking bright red dried up tomato on a small white plate???  HOW?  Guuuuuuuurl!

I know waiting is not an easy job.  I work retail and I deal with customers all the time so I know it's not easy.  But our group, even though it was a large group and we were there to celebrate, we were not at all difficult.  We all know how it is so we were as patient as we could be.  It just got to the point where we felt like the other group was getting all the service and attention.

When the food came out it was the kind of italian food where it looks like they used ragu sauce!  And this is gonna sound weird, but their spaghetti was FAT!  I just don't like FAT spaghetti.  I prefer angel hair, but if not that then at least serve me some normal sized spaghetti!  This was by far the fattest spaghetti I have ever seen.  It just looked cheap and my husband said it tasted cheap.

I did find 3 good things about Italiano's if you can believe that.  One, the salad dressing.  Two, their cheese pizza.  And Three, their BS!

In the banquet hall the women's bathroom is located in the very back.  It has two stalls, one big and one small.  A nice granite counter top with two sinks separates the two bathroom stalls.  I think that's genius!  Two stalls on opposite sides of the restroom gives you much more privacy.  On top of that the AC was on full blast to cover up any lady farts.  The entire restroom was spotless and there were purse hooks on the stall doors.  There wasn't any music playing and there was no changing table, but overall it was a good BS.  I'd go there for the BS, and maybe pick up some salad dressing on the way out, but I'll never eat there again.  How convenient that the tip was included when you gave the SHITTIEST SERVICE IN ALL OF NORTH AMERICA!  How convenient.  Bastards.  I went there weeks ago and it still pisses me off!  Yeah, forget about picking up salad dressing and giving them your business.  I recommend you just go and take a huge SHIT in their nice toilets and give them your BUSINESS that way.  : )

Grainger

* * * * Doin' the Potty Dance

I apologize that it's been so long since I've last posted.  I know how important this blog is to all of my readers, ha!  I've been under the weather lately and haven't really been out and about pooping around the city.  We did have a problem with our AC recently and needed to pick up a part for it so I got to review the BS at Grainger, an electrical supply store.

I believe this is a store that sells mainly wholesale so there's a small area of the building that sells parts and the rest of the building is offices and warehouse space I guess.  The one I visited is located off of 45 and 1960.  Anyway, their BS is pretty impressive. 

It's huge!

It's spotless!

It smells good!

There's 3 stalls, 2 sinks, and a handy little tampon dispenser!  Something I've never seen before, right next to the door on your way out, there's a hand towel dispenser and a small waste basket so after you wash your hands you don't have to dirty them up by grabbing the germ infested door handle.  AND, you don't have to take a paper towel to the door and then find a place to throw it away later.  It's all provided for you right there, so thoughtful!  

And really the only negatives to this BS is that it is absolutely silent!  I really hate that shit!  Maybe other people don't mind as much sharing those bodily noises with their co-workers.  I mean guys seem to really enjoy the sound of their own farts.  My husband is constantly laughing at the crazy sounds that come out of his ass.  So maybe in the men's bathroom they just let it all out without any shame.  Perhaps whoever has the loudest farts or makes the biggest splash is applauded or praised, maybe he's the man OR the king of the day...maybe?!  

Maybe... but it's not that way for women.  Some men completely deny the fact that women even pass gas or take huge anaconda dumps!  I'VE EVEN HEARD SOME WOMEN DENY IT!  BITCH PLEASE, WHO ARE YOU KIDDING!!!   You're probably farting under the radar right now as we speak!  AND everyone shits.  But that's just not acceptable behavior for a lady in society.  So I don't get it.  Why the SILENT BS!?!  I mean, why even have doors on the stalls then?  Everyone can already hear and smell my business!!!  Give us a break and turn on some tunes or blast that AC for fuck sake so I can at least walk out of this BS with my head held high and still able to face my co-workers.  I mean, I'm a pretty damn fast pooper.  No one would even SUSPECT that I just took a huge dump.  For reals, I'm not kidding, I poop faster than a man pees sometimes.  And that's without him wiping and washing his hands because let's face it, men don't do that!  

True story.  When I clean the bathrooms at my work the women's room is always so tidy and it smells so clean but it will be out of TP and hand towels.  I'll go over to the men's and there's piss all over the floor, it smells like shhhhhhhiiiiiiiit, but yet the two rolls of toilet paper will have been untouched and only a few hand towels will have been used.  And you can count exactly how many hand towels too because they'll be on the floor wadded up!  One....two.....three!  3 men have washed their hands today!  Or maybe just one OCD man.  Alright, I'm done.  This is about the bathroom and not about men's bathroom behavior.

The last tiny negative about Grainger's BS is that the women's room was so spacious you could have fit a couch and some end tables and a nice rug and some lamps, but yet there was no changing table!!!  Hmmmm...

Overall I would poop at Grainger again.  I'd just have to make sure I was the only woman in there! 

Half Price Books

* * * Anxious Anus

I visited the Half Price Books in Humble on a Sunday morning.  First of all, if you're feeling especially gassy, I do not recommend you do your book shopping early in the morning.  There were a few employees working and maybe another customer or so, but the place was dead silent!  Where's the fucking music people?  Maybe they forgot to turn it on that morning.

This review is only for the Half Price Books in Humble because I'm sure the BS varies at different locations.

The Humble BS had two stalls, one handicap.  When you walk in there is a little seating area with a bench and then it looks like one stall was taken out so they could put in a hand sink.  So the space where you wash your hands is long and narrow and only one person can fit at a time.

One of the first things you'll notice about this BS is that it is old and nasty.  It doesn't seem well-maintained and almost feels like a gas station BS, eeek!  The floors are filthy, the toilets are old and stained, and there are random splatters on the walls, yuck, what the fuck is that?!  The good things I can say about this BS is they have a changing station and purse hooks and the AC is on full blast so it's sure to cover up any unpleasant sounds!

I'd also like to add that a few doors down from the Half Price Books in Humble is a Plato's Closet.  I've only shopped there O N E time because the one time I went I all of a sudden had a shit attack!  I noticed there was a door with a unisex bathroom sign and I saw an employee come out just in time.  When I tried to open the door it was locked!!!  I started to panic but managed to find the employee and asked for the key to the bathroom only to have her tell me that there was NO PUBLIC RESTROOM!  Bitch shut the fuck up, I just saw you come out that bathroom now give me the god damn key before I shit all over you!!!  Seriously.  But no, she insisted that bathroom was just for employees.  BULLSHIT, I bet she just took a huge dump and she's embarrassed to let me use it after her while the scent of her shit still lingers.

My point is that in that moment I realized Half Price Books was a few doors down and I knew THEY had a bathroom so I ran my little ass over there and made it just in time.  The moral of the story is that a bad BS is better than NO BS!!!

Buc-ee's

* * * * * Poophoria!


A friend asked me if I've ever experienced Buc-ee's BS (bathroom situation) before because if I hadn't then I didn't know what living really was!  And boy was he right!!!


I had heard so many great things about Buc-ee's BS so I was glad when we stopped at one on our way out of town.  As soon as I walked in I couldn't believe what I found!


First of all, you walk in down this double wide hallway towards the women's room which then separates into two sides.  Both sides are lined with about 10 to 12 stalls with walls to the floor!  It's soooo spacious!  I'd say the women's room alone was as big or bigger than my 1600 sq foot house.  For reals!  


So each stall tells you if it's VACANT or OCCUPIED, I love that.  The stalls themselves are very spacious and super clean.  There were purse hooks and a hand sanitizer dispenser on the wall in the stall.  Each stall is equipped with 8 rolls of toilet paper, yes 8!  Country music was playing over the speakers and the entire bathroom smelled very clean and fresh.  There were changing tables and almost as many sinks as there were stalls.  Buc-ee's didn't miss a beat!  They sure did raise the bar for gas station bathrooms.


Gas station bathrooms terrify me!  I've been to a few gas stations recently who still have bathrooms on the outside where you need a fucking key to get in.  Those are the most horrific BSs I've ever experienced.  You walk in and immediately feel the filth crawling on your skin.  The floors are sticky with old urine.  You don't even want to turn on the light really because you just DON'T WANT TO TOUCH ANYTHING!

Besides first being aware that you're in a pool of germs, your eye quickly finds the overflowing trash can.  Actually your nose probably finds it first!  They're always overflowing onto the floor where several other piles have started to form.  It would be one thing if it were just used hand towels people decided to throw on the floor, but NO, people have the balls to wipe their ass after they shit and throw THAT onto the pile!  Or worse, their bloody tampon!!!  WHAAAAT?!?  Then your eye catches a glimpse of the toilet bowl and you understand why.  The toilets are usually clogged with paper and filled with PISS and SHIT, tons of SHIT!  DIS. GUST. ING, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit thinking about it.  Then you notice the toilet seat is completely covered with urine, I guess from women having to squat over the toilet.  Let me tell you something boys, as much as women complain about boys not having good aim, when we are forced to pee standing or squatting we don't even come close, NOT EVEN CLOSE.  But our equipment wasn't made for that I guess.

And if you gotta go, you gotta go so you hold your breath, unzip, squat and squirt it out, or squeeze it out.  You don't even look down to see if it goes in, you just pray your shit doesn't cause any backsplash from that diseased water!!!  And hopefully there's some toilet paper left for you to wipe your ass.  If not, you fucking use the empty cardboard roll!  Desperate times call for desperate measures folks.  At this point it doesn't really matter if you wash your hands because most likely there's no soap and no hand towels left and besides you'll have to open the door to get out and god knows that knob is covered in feces and perhaps even some blood, remember that used tampon I mentioned earlier!  So you return the key, don't mention the mess in the bathroom that you just contributed to, buy some hand sanitizer, and decide to burn your shoes or throw them in the trash on your way back to the car.  After the whole thing is over you just feel so FOUL!  Sometimes I think it might have been better if I just shat in my pants, I probably would feel less nasty if I did that because at least it would be MY OWN SHIT I'm covered in and not other people's.

My husband always tells me that when you smell something you are actually tasting a little bit of those particles.  Just think about that the next time you walk into one of those gas station BSs . . . YOU JUST TASTED OTHER PEOPLE'S SHIT!  That just happened.  Guuuuuurl!

Thanks God for Buc-ee's!  I only wish there was one down the street from me.  I think I'd prefer to drive and use their facilities over my own.  And now I wish I could take back all the 5 star ratings I've given because every other BS compared to Buc-ee's is absolutely PIT. I. FUL!