Russo's New York Pizzeria

* * * Anxious Anus


Russo's New York Pizzeria is a really cute restaurant I visited in town center of Kingwood.  The food is ah. maz. ing!  It's a small, intimate restaurant inside with a nice spacious patio outside,  perfect for date night.  I recommend the cucumber and feta salad and the heart healthy veggie pizza!  Soooo delish! 


Anyway, to the point, the BS.

The bathrooms are clearly visible as soon as you walk in.  There's a door by the soda fountain machine that has a unisex bathroom sign.  At first I was freakin' out!  "OH NO, not another single stall unisex bathroom,  I might as well just shit my pants and get it over with, for realz!"  But then I realized it was just a general sign to the bathroom hallway where there is a single stall men's and women's room.  I'm liking the hallway to the bathrooms.  It's a nice barrier for added privacy.  The only time it's not so great is when a line forms in the hallway, then the pressure is on!  Guuuuuuuurl.

The bathroom was nice and spacious and very clean.  No changing table or a place to hang your purse.  BUT the toilet was far from the door and the AC was blowing so the noise level wasn't really an issue.

I hate to give this BS a medium rating, but the truth is, if a place only offers a single stall bathroom, it makes me anxious and I can't rate it Doin' the Potty Dance ( which is a celebratory dance I do when I find a great BS, NOT the potty dance toddlers do when they need to GO but they are trying to hold it in because they don't want to tell their mom so they can keep playing with their toys!  Just wanted to clear that up.)

Arne's Warehouse and Party Store

* Full on Shitting My Pants!!!


If you are like me and you REALLY have bathroom issues where a bad BS can send you into a full on Panic Attack, then DON'T GO TO ARNE'S!

First of all I went on a Sunday and the place was soooo crowded.  I've been during the week before and it wasn't as bad.  So if you absolutely need to shop there I would recommend doing it in the middle of the day on a week day.

The place is HUGE,  I mean obviously, it's a warehouse.  I actually had passed the bathrooms twice and did not see them so I finally asked someone where they were located.  They are close to the front entrance, right next to the long counter where they sell tiaras.  You'll have to look around and in the corner you'll see. . .

these signs for two individual bathrooms, one handicap and one unisex.  What a horrible idea!!!

When I walked into the unisex bathroom I was immediately BITCH SLAPPED with the stench of urine!  Honestly, I wish I could have somehow captured that scent so you would know exactly how awful it was!  And take a look at those dark stains on the toilet seat!  What the fuck is that?  Shit? Blood?  Puke? A mixture of all of them?  Damn that's foul!  

Now I know that it's important to most people for a bathroom to be somewhat clean, that's why it's one thing I look for and report on, BUT I've been to India and I've been in some pretty awful BS's!  If you know anything about India you know they don't use toilet paper, they use their hand to wipe themselves.  Afterwards they wash their hands under running water. 

I was in a BS so bad in India, I walked in and the floor was covered in two inches of this water that people had just used to wash the shit off their hands, so essentially poopoo water!  Then I walked down a line of holes and had to choose one.  I had to squat like they did in the old days before western toilets and do my business, right there in front of everyone, no privacy, no toilet paper, squatting in poopoo water, and doing it on top of a pile of other people's business, holding my breath so as to not breathe in the poopoo particles in the air, all while holding up my dress and trying not to fall!  Soooooooooo, cleanliness isn't too big of a deal for me.  I usually just suck it up and go with it.

BUT I have to say this BS took me back to India. The stench was paralyzing!  There wasn't any kind of toilet seat cover, and the floor was super sticky.  I can only imagine it was all the built up urine!   

Another thing you might notice from the picture is that this bathroom was TI. NY!  I took this photo with my back right up against the door, if that tells you anything.

Good thing I only had to pee and I could hold it.  I held my breath, quickly took notes, and snapped the pic.  That's as long as I could stay in there.  And after that experience I decided I wasn't brave enough to check out the handicap bathroom.  Someone else might have to review it and report back to me.

So to recap, ARNE's is the winner so far for the WORST. BATHROOM. SITUATION. in Houston!!!  Consider yourself warned.

Brazos State Park

My friend sent me this pic of the BS at Brazos State Park!

I just shit my pants!!!

Not cool Brazos State Park, NOT. COOL!

My theory is if the bathroom is shut down for any reason, you SHUT DOWN THE ENTIRE PLACE!

Petsmart

* * * Anxious Anus


Visited the Petsmart in Humble the other day and I think the pets have a far better Bathroom Situation than us humans!  I mean visiting pets can GO where ever they please, whenever they please, and the employees just come up behind them with their little sanitizing spray and wiping cloths and clean it up!


The human facilities are found in the back right corner, right past the dog kennels.  There's a separate men's and women's room.

The women's room was quite disgusting.  Poopoo splatters all over the place and it seemed like old, crusty, built up urine had replaced the grout in between the tiles.   FO.UL! (pronounced FOWEL!)  And that was the women's room, can you imagine what the men's was like?!?  It's a known fact that women's restrooms are 78% cleaner than men's, sooooooooo with that said. . .

The women's BS had two stalls, one small and one handicap.  There were purse hooks and a changing station.  But you walk in to the bathroom from all the commotion in the store where customers are interacting, employees are talking on the loud speaker, carts are being wheeled around, dogs are barking OR URINATING, birds are chirping, groomers are clipping, and music is playing,  INTO DEAD SILENCE!

You know how I feel about that.  It makes me VEEEERY uncomfortable, to put it mildly.  At least have the AC blowing, or some soft music playing, SOMETHING, damn!

I also didn't like the fact that there were people in line for the groomers close by and they watched me walk in and out of the bathroom.  Gauuuuud, Stop watching me!  Who cares if I took a long time in there!  Everyone shits you know!!!

My suggestion to Petsmart, besides playing music in the bathrooms, is for the employees to take that little sanitizing spray they use to clean up after the dogs, and spray some on that tile!  And the walls!  And in the toilet! And then get a scrubby brush!  And SCRUUUUUUUB!!!  

Thanks!

I decided against taking an aerial view photo of the toilet with all the poopoo splatters.  In this stall there was actually no water in the toilet, just poopoo splatters! Guuuuuuurl

How to Poop at Work

You can find these amazing definitions and more potty humor at Porcelain Poetry!

I know this isn't a review but these are very important definitions you will want to know because I might just throw them in from time to time!

Enjoy!

How to Poop at Work  We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE) Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Bed, Bath, and Beyond

* * * Anxious Anus


I recently visited the Bed, Bath, and Beyond in Humble and I was surprised by their Bathroom Situation.

The bathrooms are located to the left as soon as you walk in, down a little hallway with a few offices.  I completely missed the bathrooms when I walked in, and if you've ever shopped at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, you know that it is set up in a large square and you walk around the perimeter of the square, no cutting through.  So if you missed the bathroom, which I did, you have to walk all the way around the large square until you reach the front again where the bathrooms are located.  Of course you could always turn around and go the other way, but I kept thinking as soon as I turned the corner I would see the sign for the bathrooms, not the case my friends, NOT. THE. CASE!  Guuuuurl, good thing I wasn't prairie doggin' it.

When I finally found the bathrooms I had to go down the hall and there were people standing outside the offices, I guess it was customer service offices, I'm not sure, but the hallway was so small the people had to reverse out in order for me to get to the bathroom.  So far, I'm not liking this BS!

You can probably guess that I'm not a fan of people watching me go into a bathroom, I feel like I'm being timed!  A whole crew of people just saw me go into the bathroom and now I feel this pressure to do my business in a timely manner.  I don't liked to be rushed!  Can't a girl take her time to take a proper shit?  Guess not at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

If that wasn't bad enough,  I walked into the bathroom and it was dead silent!  Seriously, I tested this out, you could hear the toilet paper when I dropped a scrap on the floor.  Did you know toilet paper made a sound when it hit the floor?  NEITHER DID I, that's how silent it was!

The bathroom did have a hook to hang my purse and a changing table, and it was relatively clean.  And the only reason it's getting 3 stars instead of 2 is because it had three stalls.  In the end, I can deal with the silence as long as there's a hole where I can GO.  Lord knows I don't like to be timed OR rushed OR heard, but far worse than that . . . I don't like to wait! 

Whataburger

* * * * * Poophoria!!!

OMG I can't believe the BS at Whataburger!

A new Whataburger just opened up on Northpark in the front of Kingwood and I'm loving their BS.  I'm not sure how other Whataburgers compare, so this is just a review on the new one I visited in Kingwood.

The bathrooms are located to the immediate right as soon as you walk in.  There's a men's and women's room.  The women's room has 2 large stalls, very spacious, very clean, and the walls in the stall go all the way down to the floor.  That's huge folks!

The AC blows so hard and loud you can't even hear your own shit hit the toilet.  For realz,  I was loving it!  And it gets even better. . . the bathroom is very woman friendly with purse hooks and a changing station and something I had never seen before (and I've seen a lot of bathrooms); the main door to the women's bathroom has a lock of its own!!!

So say if you are finding yourself in a Crisis Situation (a Crisis Situation being: If you need to change a baby's explosive diaper, the kind where it's running down their baby legs and it's smeared all over their baby back!  Or if you've got projectile poo and vomit AT THE SAME TIME!  OOOOOR, God forbid, if you have to clean up after already shitting your pants! ) and you need a little extra privacy, you can always make the public bathroom a private one by locking the main door.  Very excited about that!  Unless of course someone else does that and I need to use it, hmmm...

I have to say I have not been this excited about a BS in a while.  Really the only thing missing is heated seats and a little Beyonce playing in the background.

Thank you Whataburger for your award winning BS!